Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
