The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
