It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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