So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
