What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
