he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
