We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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