wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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