woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
