I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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