you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
