sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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