There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
