I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
