Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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