If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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