Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
