Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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