I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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