this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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