just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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