Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
