god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
