As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
