i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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