i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
