He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
