You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
