i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
