what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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