Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
