I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
