It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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