I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize