You're so nebulous sometimes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
