My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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