Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
