I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
