had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
