I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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