Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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