I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
