Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
