You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
