Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
