apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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