she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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