It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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