I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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