you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
