The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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