I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
