I wish my penis had an off switch
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
