I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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