Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
