What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
