Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
