Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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