i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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