3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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